Roadkill

There was a time, not so long ago where I was sure I was completely ruined, not worthy of anything, and especially not worthy of anyone. I felt like I'd been hit by a convoy of semi's, and lets be honest, who likes roadkill.
I knew all along, that this journey would be a hard one, but I also knew that I needed God to redeem and heal me - that I wasn't going to survive this on my own will. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, how was I supposed to even begin to heal. I couldn't, but God could.

So much has been taken from me, I figured I wasn't worthy of love, and even if I was, I didn't think that anyone would want to deal with me, and the baggage I would bring.
At some point, I realized that he had taken too much from me already, that I didn't want to be a victim any longer, I wanted to survive. I knew I could, I knew I wanted to. I had healed huge holes in my heart, I had accepted and talked through things. I could do this.
And I am.
I am so lucky, to have found someone, relatively quickly. He is great, amazing really. I didn't know that it was possible to be with someone for a short period of time, and yet feel like it had been ages. I didn't know that that the scenarios that the movies, where guy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, have babies, all in an hour and a half - would ever be remotely possible. Maybe it is. I can't believe we've only been together for 10 days, it feels way longer. I am falling for him, the girl who didn't think she would be worthy of being loved, or be able to love, is falling in love. Wow.
I told him tonight about my past, I told him I had been sexually abused (how I hate attaching those words to myself). I opened myself up to him, to explain how hard it was for me to do this - be in a relationship. The tears almost fell, the closest I've ever come. But get this.
He. Didn't. Even. Care.
He held me, let me blabber on, and told me it didn't matter, it didn't change anything, he was in - regardless. That he doesn't want to use me. Or abuse me. Or hurt me. He likes me, he wants me, he is falling in love with me.
All of me.

But God Knew

I have had the link to the blog post by Big Mama about being single, saved on my computer for several months now. The first time I read it, it resonated deeply within me. The same happened each time I read it.

The waiting really is the hardest part.

I have been single for 3.5 years, which on one hand, seems like forever, but on the other hand really isn't that long.

That changed a week ago. Everything changed. Since it's "Facebook official", I guess that means it's real. Still doesn't seem fully real to me.
After my last breakup, I figured I'd need only a few weeks, get over it, move on, find someone else. Boy was I ever wrong.
But God knew.
I lived under a cloak of denial, shame, guilt and hurt for months on end. Before that I lived with a crushing secret, one that when revealed would bring me to my knees.
But God knew.
I didn't think I would ever be OK again. I figured that that I would be forever broken, shamed and destroyed. I thought that because he took a part of me, he had taken all of me.
But God knew.
I didn't think I would ever find someone who would want me, broken parts and all. Even more than that, I didn't think I would ever pick up the pieces, didn't think that I would ever remotely heal.
But God knew.
My new years resolution was to start dating again, but I wasn't really sure if that would really happen. I gave online dating a try, and lo and behold, it worked. I found someone.
God knew, and will continue to know.

Step 436

There is no one giant step that does it. It's a lot of little steps.
(Peter A. Cohen)

Step.
Step.
Step.
I took a step yesterday, a seemingly small step.
But also really huge.
I wouldn't be where I am without a bunch of little steps, accumulating into huge leaps.
Would I be where I am without little steps?
No.
Would I be who I am without huge leaps?
Definitely no.
I didn't think I'd ever take this step.
I did.

And I like it so far :)