Done You Wrong

I was listening to the radio on the way home the other day, and this song came on. It just about brought me to tears, it was so accurate. So I sent a text to him to listen to this song asap. He responds later with a "Oh...wow...well..I love you". That's how close to home it hits, it struck us both speechless, which if you know me is pretty hard to do.



Things have been hard the last two weeks. It hasn't all been bad though, just lots of learning and adapting.
It started a couple weeks ago, when I decided I needed to share a large majority of my story with B. I may never share the whole story, as it's just mine, and our relationship doesn't depend on him knowing every little detail. Regardless, I knew he needed to know more, so I sat down with him one night and explained about the worst night of my life.
He was so compassionate.
He just held me close, let me share what I needed too.
He knew it was terribly hard for me, but the hurt in his eyes rocked my core.
He was so sad for me.
But, he still loves me.

I can't explain how good it is to hear someone say that they are sad for you, it means something much different than them feeling sorry for you, or being uncomfortable. Knowing that someone cares that much about you, to feel sad for you, that's quite something.
That took a lot out of me emotionally, and I figured the next time we hung out I'd just need to be held, and thats all, maybe some kissing.
We got carried away.
And left on horrible terms.

I figured we were probably done.
He thought I was going to leave him.

I didn't know I would hurt that much. It was than I realized how desperately I needed him. I couldn't let him go, yet I'd pushed him away.

We stayed up until 3:30am talking, trying to figure out what had happened, what had gone wrong. The thing is, nothing happened, there was nothing different, but for some reason I just couldn't handle it. It was the weirdest non-fight fight I've ever been in. What it came down to, was I needed to be more honest, explain what I need, how I'm feeling. To not internalize, which is something I am horrible for doing. I hurt him in the process, in trying to protect myself, I pushed him away, which probably hurt him more than anything else I could have done. I guess he loves me.
Learning how to be functional in this relationship is really hard. I feel a lot of things, all at once, but i know, at the end of the day, he and I can get through this. We will.

imagine...

Actions speak louder than words.

It's in what you don't say.

Acceptance is the first step.

Even if it hurts.

Tears are healing.

Isn't that what I've been looking for?

There will beauty from pain.

It's about the hope inside.

Sometimes your heart has to break in order to heal.

Healing is finally imaginable.

In the pain there is healing.

I'm holding on.

The truth hurts.

But truth is what heals.

The future? It will be good.

If the present is any indicator.

A safer form of speed

I am a little bit drained. Okay maybe a lot a bit. I had about four cups of coffee today, and it felt like all my cells were vibrating. It was r.i.d.i.c.u.l.o.u.s. That's pretty much the metaphor of my life though. It's like speed, but safer.

I can't believe I find myself in love with him. Three weeks ago, I didn't even know him. Today, I can't imagine not knowing him. I still can't believe I am worthy of love, of his love. Regardless of what I'm bringing into this relationship, he still wants to love me. Wow. That concept is more than I can begin to handle.

I haven't quite wrapped my head around the fact that I'm in a relationship, that I'm dating, that I'm in love with a guy, that a guy is in love with me, and that this isn't short term. For the commitment-phobe in me, that's a pretty hard concept to grasp. I keep thinking I'm going to scare him off, that he's going to become to overwhelmed with me and walk away
.
I don't believe that though. I think if he was going to walk, he would have done that already. While he doesn't know everything, he knows enough to make a valid decision about me and whether or not I'm worth it. I guess I am.

I love him. I love that he loves me, all of me, that he would rather hold me tight than push me away when I tell him heavy stuff.
I'm enjoying discovering what a relationship is supposed to look like.











Even if it's only in 3 weeks.

Roadkill

There was a time, not so long ago where I was sure I was completely ruined, not worthy of anything, and especially not worthy of anyone. I felt like I'd been hit by a convoy of semi's, and lets be honest, who likes roadkill.
I knew all along, that this journey would be a hard one, but I also knew that I needed God to redeem and heal me - that I wasn't going to survive this on my own will. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, how was I supposed to even begin to heal. I couldn't, but God could.

So much has been taken from me, I figured I wasn't worthy of love, and even if I was, I didn't think that anyone would want to deal with me, and the baggage I would bring.
At some point, I realized that he had taken too much from me already, that I didn't want to be a victim any longer, I wanted to survive. I knew I could, I knew I wanted to. I had healed huge holes in my heart, I had accepted and talked through things. I could do this.
And I am.
I am so lucky, to have found someone, relatively quickly. He is great, amazing really. I didn't know that it was possible to be with someone for a short period of time, and yet feel like it had been ages. I didn't know that that the scenarios that the movies, where guy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, have babies, all in an hour and a half - would ever be remotely possible. Maybe it is. I can't believe we've only been together for 10 days, it feels way longer. I am falling for him, the girl who didn't think she would be worthy of being loved, or be able to love, is falling in love. Wow.
I told him tonight about my past, I told him I had been sexually abused (how I hate attaching those words to myself). I opened myself up to him, to explain how hard it was for me to do this - be in a relationship. The tears almost fell, the closest I've ever come. But get this.
He. Didn't. Even. Care.
He held me, let me blabber on, and told me it didn't matter, it didn't change anything, he was in - regardless. That he doesn't want to use me. Or abuse me. Or hurt me. He likes me, he wants me, he is falling in love with me.
All of me.

But God Knew

I have had the link to the blog post by Big Mama about being single, saved on my computer for several months now. The first time I read it, it resonated deeply within me. The same happened each time I read it.

The waiting really is the hardest part.

I have been single for 3.5 years, which on one hand, seems like forever, but on the other hand really isn't that long.

That changed a week ago. Everything changed. Since it's "Facebook official", I guess that means it's real. Still doesn't seem fully real to me.
After my last breakup, I figured I'd need only a few weeks, get over it, move on, find someone else. Boy was I ever wrong.
But God knew.
I lived under a cloak of denial, shame, guilt and hurt for months on end. Before that I lived with a crushing secret, one that when revealed would bring me to my knees.
But God knew.
I didn't think I would ever be OK again. I figured that that I would be forever broken, shamed and destroyed. I thought that because he took a part of me, he had taken all of me.
But God knew.
I didn't think I would ever find someone who would want me, broken parts and all. Even more than that, I didn't think I would ever pick up the pieces, didn't think that I would ever remotely heal.
But God knew.
My new years resolution was to start dating again, but I wasn't really sure if that would really happen. I gave online dating a try, and lo and behold, it worked. I found someone.
God knew, and will continue to know.

Step 436

There is no one giant step that does it. It's a lot of little steps.
(Peter A. Cohen)

Step.
Step.
Step.
I took a step yesterday, a seemingly small step.
But also really huge.
I wouldn't be where I am without a bunch of little steps, accumulating into huge leaps.
Would I be where I am without little steps?
No.
Would I be who I am without huge leaps?
Definitely no.
I didn't think I'd ever take this step.
I did.

And I like it so far :)