Done You Wrong

I was listening to the radio on the way home the other day, and this song came on. It just about brought me to tears, it was so accurate. So I sent a text to him to listen to this song asap. He responds later with a "Oh...wow...well..I love you". That's how close to home it hits, it struck us both speechless, which if you know me is pretty hard to do.



Things have been hard the last two weeks. It hasn't all been bad though, just lots of learning and adapting.
It started a couple weeks ago, when I decided I needed to share a large majority of my story with B. I may never share the whole story, as it's just mine, and our relationship doesn't depend on him knowing every little detail. Regardless, I knew he needed to know more, so I sat down with him one night and explained about the worst night of my life.
He was so compassionate.
He just held me close, let me share what I needed too.
He knew it was terribly hard for me, but the hurt in his eyes rocked my core.
He was so sad for me.
But, he still loves me.

I can't explain how good it is to hear someone say that they are sad for you, it means something much different than them feeling sorry for you, or being uncomfortable. Knowing that someone cares that much about you, to feel sad for you, that's quite something.
That took a lot out of me emotionally, and I figured the next time we hung out I'd just need to be held, and thats all, maybe some kissing.
We got carried away.
And left on horrible terms.

I figured we were probably done.
He thought I was going to leave him.

I didn't know I would hurt that much. It was than I realized how desperately I needed him. I couldn't let him go, yet I'd pushed him away.

We stayed up until 3:30am talking, trying to figure out what had happened, what had gone wrong. The thing is, nothing happened, there was nothing different, but for some reason I just couldn't handle it. It was the weirdest non-fight fight I've ever been in. What it came down to, was I needed to be more honest, explain what I need, how I'm feeling. To not internalize, which is something I am horrible for doing. I hurt him in the process, in trying to protect myself, I pushed him away, which probably hurt him more than anything else I could have done. I guess he loves me.
Learning how to be functional in this relationship is really hard. I feel a lot of things, all at once, but i know, at the end of the day, he and I can get through this. We will.

imagine...

Actions speak louder than words.

It's in what you don't say.

Acceptance is the first step.

Even if it hurts.

Tears are healing.

Isn't that what I've been looking for?

There will beauty from pain.

It's about the hope inside.

Sometimes your heart has to break in order to heal.

Healing is finally imaginable.

In the pain there is healing.

I'm holding on.

The truth hurts.

But truth is what heals.

The future? It will be good.

If the present is any indicator.

A safer form of speed

I am a little bit drained. Okay maybe a lot a bit. I had about four cups of coffee today, and it felt like all my cells were vibrating. It was r.i.d.i.c.u.l.o.u.s. That's pretty much the metaphor of my life though. It's like speed, but safer.

I can't believe I find myself in love with him. Three weeks ago, I didn't even know him. Today, I can't imagine not knowing him. I still can't believe I am worthy of love, of his love. Regardless of what I'm bringing into this relationship, he still wants to love me. Wow. That concept is more than I can begin to handle.

I haven't quite wrapped my head around the fact that I'm in a relationship, that I'm dating, that I'm in love with a guy, that a guy is in love with me, and that this isn't short term. For the commitment-phobe in me, that's a pretty hard concept to grasp. I keep thinking I'm going to scare him off, that he's going to become to overwhelmed with me and walk away
.
I don't believe that though. I think if he was going to walk, he would have done that already. While he doesn't know everything, he knows enough to make a valid decision about me and whether or not I'm worth it. I guess I am.

I love him. I love that he loves me, all of me, that he would rather hold me tight than push me away when I tell him heavy stuff.
I'm enjoying discovering what a relationship is supposed to look like.











Even if it's only in 3 weeks.